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tozetteIn which Naruto OC Fukuda Fuyumi (the protagonist of my fic Simple Systems) attempts to drunkenly navigate the horrors of Valentine's Day.
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<p>In which Naruto OC Fukuda Fuyumi (the protagonist of my fic <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/79112911?view_full_work=true">Simple Systems</a>) attempts to drunkenly navigate the horrors of Valentine's Day. </p><cut>
<p</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>"You're... Pretty drunk, Fuyumi." </p>
<p>Betrayal. </p>
<p>It was a terrible day to be Fukuda Fuyumi: first, she'd been minding her own business in the market when she'd spotted a local girl giving candy out to Itachi, <i>which he accepted with every evidence of politeness.</i> </p>
<p>And now, Harusame, Fuyumi's only friend in the wide world, was betraying her. </p>
<p>Fuyumi looked down at him. "I know I'm drunk. That's why I need you to help me get up to her window. I can't mould chakra for shit when I'm drunk." </p>
<p>"You can't mould chakra for shit when you're sober, either. Okay, okay. Let's go scare the life out of Ayushi-chan," he sighed enormously, getting up and holding out his arm so Fuyumi could use it for balance. "What did she do again? Isn't she, like, an accountant?" </p>
<p>"She gave him a present."</p>
<p>"Uchiha Itachi?" </p>
<p>"Right. Him." Fuyumi had worked herself into such a state that Uchiha Itachi was simply Him in her mind, now, apparently. </p>
<p>"Well, bright buddha, I guess we're going to go scare the life out of a teenager then." </p>
<p>"I'm a teenager," mumbled Fuyumi. She wasn't, actually, but age and maturity got slippery after reincarnation. Her body was nineteen, though, so it counted. </p>
<p>"This has never been more evident," Harusame drawled. "One foot in front of the other, come on, Fuyumi." </p>
<p>Outside the bar, the night was cool and calm. Stars twinkled overhead, and, as it was nearly midnight, most civilised people were abed and sleeping peacefully. </p>
<p>Ayushi-chan lived very close to Fuyumi's latest favourite bar, which was another mark against her — Fuyumi had to walk so much further to get home at the end of the night. She'd never even seen the girl in the bar. A waste of an ideal location. </p>
<p>"Is this a robbery?" said a nasal voice. </p>
<p>Fuyumi looked sideways. She reeled back into Harusame when she realised there was a rather large figure standing nearby. Hoshigaki Kisame was so big that even Fuyumi had to look up to make eye contact. </p>
<p>"No," sighed Harusame, answering for her. He gripped her arm so she didn't stumble. "It's not a robbery. It's psychological warfare. I think. Isn't it?" </p>
<p>"Umm," said Fuyumi. She hadn't thought that far ahead. She was just going to break in through Ayushi's window and tell her to stop being cute to Itachi. And maybe shake her a little. </p>
<p>"Psychological warfare," Kisame repeated, smiling ironically. "Isn't there such a thing as entering a battle unarmed?"</p>
<p>Fuyumi had lost the thread of the conversation. "My taijutsu is really good, though." </p>
<p>This engendered a deep sigh from Harusame and a low, rusty laugh from Kisame. "</p>
<p>"Okay." She slapped her own cheeks. It didn't sober her up any, but it made her feel like she was making an appropriate attempt. She redirected her attention to Harusame and slapped his arm too. "Stop talking to Kisame and boost me." </p>
<p>"I really don't think..." He sounded concerned. </p>
<p>She slapped again. </p>
<p>"Oof," he said, mildly. </p>
<p>"I'll do it," Kisame volunteered. "Second window on the right?" </p>
<p>"Sweet!" Fuyumi reeled away from Haruaame — traitor — and into Kisame's enormous steadying hands instead.</p>
<p>The manoeuvre went as follows: with no apparent effort, Kisame clamped his hands around her waist and tossed her just high enough to grab her thighs. He lifted her up and she planted one hand on the wall while he let her stick her foot on his palm, and then finally he lifted her even higher with one ropy arm supporting her whole body. </p>
<p>"Whoa! You are way stronger than Harusame," she crowed. Between how big he was, and how big she was, Fuyumi could just reach out and grab the second floor window ledge. </p>
<p>"Thanks for that," drawled Harusame, voice drifting up from below. </p>
<p>"They say there's truth in wine." Kisame's sharp-toothed smile was evident in his voice. </p>
<p>Fuyumi heaved herself up onto the window ledge and through the window. She maybe destroyed some rice paper on the way, but this was never going to be a mission without some collateral damage. </p>
<p>Beneath her, she heard a deep and familiar voice intone, "Kisame, what are you doing?" but she put it out of her mind. It couldn't possibly be more important than Ayushi-chan, who was just waking up in response to the sound of someone tumbling in through her window. </p>
<p>Ayushi was a slight, pale-faced, dark-haired girl. Her family had the common look of the people of Fire Country, which meant pretty features and big dark eyes. </p>
<p>Itachi looked like that, too. They'd probably have very pretty children. Very normal-sized children with nice faces. They'd probably receive candy from admirers all the time too. Ugh. </p>
<p>"What," said Ayushi in the dimness. She wore a cute camisole to bed and her hair was unbound, so it fell in a silken wave over her slight shoulders. She <i>was</i> super cute. Fuyumi got the appeal, really. She wouldn't turn her down, either. </p>
<p>Fuyumi got her feet under her and then rose to her full and impressive height. </p>
<p>Ayushi blinked widely at her and then, gallingly, relaxed when she recognised Fuyumi. "Ah, Fukuda-san? Why are you — what time is — is there something wrong?" </p>
<p>It occurred to Fuyumi — somewhat belatedly, she'd admit — that nobody was going to pay her to push Ayushi-chan around and intimidate her, and that upsetting pretty young women wasn't really that enjoyable a pastime. </p>
<p>She didn't want to make her cry, realistically speaking. She just wanted to make her cry, in, like, a metaphorical sense. Maybe spiritually? </p>
<p>"Yes," said Fuyumi, after a confused pause, sitting on the end of her bed and leaning over her. "You gave Uchiha Itachi candy. Today." </p>
<p>Ayushi blinked. "It's Valentine's Day, Fukuda-san. I gave many people candy."</p>
<p>"I am really mad," Fuyumi clarified. </p>
<p>"Oh," said Ayushi. She slowly rearranged the blankets and sat up more fully. "Is that how it is? I didn't realise..." </p>
<p>"No," said Fuyumi. "He said I was too ugly to date." </p>
<p>"O-<i>oh</i>." Even in the dark her eyes were wide. Ayushi reached up and patted her on the shoulder, all soft and conciliatory. "Um... He wasn't very nice to me, either, honestly. He didn't say that though," she murmured, as if to herself. </p>
<p>"He accepted your candy," she whined. </p>
<p>"I really think he just likes candy, Fukuda-san." </p>
<p>"...Really," murmured Fuyumi.</p>
<p>"Really," Ayushi said solemnly. She kept patting. Her hands were soft on Fuyumi's scar-dappled skin. Nobody in Uteki could afford not to work, but Ayushi was learning to be a bookkeeper, not a labourer. Her hands would be soft for many years. </p>
<p>Fuyumi pushed her forehead against Ayushi's shoulder. "Really-really?" </p>
<p>"Really-really. I'm sorry he was so mean to you, Fukuda-san. You seem very... stressed and tired," she said, which was so clearly a code word meaning 'drunk' that even Fuyumi's well-marinated brain understood it. </p>
<p>"Yeah. A bit." She sighed. "Sorry about your window. I'll replace it in the morning." </p>
<p>"Okay." Ayushi was still petting her shoulder. "Do you want to stay here? You can have the couch." </p>
<p>What a nice girl. Why couldn't she have a devastating crush on a nice girl like Ayushi? </p>
<p>"No," sighed Fuyumi. "I have to go. I left Kisame and Harusame downstairs." </p>
<p>"Ah..." Her hand stilled. Now she looked worried. Wow. That felt very rude. "Please make sure to take them with you when you leave..." </p>
<p>"I'm a shinobi too, you know," muttered Fuyumi. "I'm really scary." </p>
<p>She got patted. Again. </p>
<p>"There's ninjas and ninjas, Fukuda-san." </p>
<p>Halfway between miffed and baffled and too drunk to handle either emotion, Fuyumi took herself back out the window. </p>
<p>When she stumbled from her landing, swaying slightly, there was another person standing with Kisame. It was Itachi, who was watching her with hooded red eyes. His facial expression was hard to read. </p>
<p>Fuyumi slapped Kisame on the arm all friendly-like. "You're a good guy, Hoshigaki Kisame." She glanced at Itachi. "I think you're not, though."</p>
<p>"Okay, home time," said Harusame, sweeping in and capturing her with a steely arm around her waist. His left arm, she noticed — his right hand was free and not too far from his swords. "Let's get you to bed before you pick a fight with the most dangerous missing-nin in Fire Country, okay?"</p>
<p>"Eh?" Fuyumi said, squinting at him. She was drawing a blank. "Orochimaru? I thought he was in Lightning? Please tell me he's in Lightning." </p>
<p>"Bed," said Harusame firmly, taking her by her shoulders and steering her away. </p></cut>
