AKATSUKI RANKED: Akatsuki as soup

[tozette]

Hidan: One time you were drunk at 2AM and found the face of god in an all-night pho restaurant. All-day bone broth, perfectly succulent meat unlike anything you've ever tasted, fresh crunchy mint and bean shoots; noodles with just the right amount of bounce. It cost $7.50, it made you incredibly unwell, and in the morning the owners made the papers. You're left unsettled, with a weird craving for offal.

Kisame: Pea and ham. Thick and meaty and delightfully savoury when done well, salty and bland when poorly executed. The power is yours.

Itachi: Tomato and garlic soup. Technically vegan, despite all the things we are tempted to add to it, and the process of peeling tomatoes is juuuust about weird enough that it gets you murmuring "trust the process, trust the process," in worried tones. It is, however, delicious. Also, it will dye everything it touches bright red. That's a metaphor.

Deidara: It's hard to say what flavour base this is, because the primary taste is capsaicin. Less a meal and more of an eating challenge. This is a soup someone cooked just so some guy could cry on camera while trying to eat it. Best eaten as fast as possible. Try not to let it touch your tongue.

Pein: Miso soup with cod. You can serve this with pretty much any meal, and you rarely get to write about Akatsuki as a group without considering where Pein fits in. He's a side dish to the main event. I was going to make him just miso, but then I remembered Yahiko and it seemed like I should pick a soup with an animal in it. Something had to die to make this.

Konan: Chicken and corn. Sweet, comforting, and well-liked — and just a little bit bland. Sorry, Konan.

Sasori: $20 instant ramen. Delicious and carefully crafted, but fast (for the impatient) and extremely processed. Likely to outlast a nuclear winter.

Tobi: Roasted basil and strawberry dessert soup. An identity crisis in a bowl.

Orochimaru: Shark's fin soup. Expensive, luxurious, controversial, and — like many big fish prone to mercury bioaccumulation — occasionally responsible for heavy metal poisoning. He's a delicacy.

Zetsu: Natto miso soup with mushrooms. The kind that's all mushrooms, natto, dashi powder, miso paste. Maybe some green onions on top. A textural minefield full of stuff that's masquerading as vegetables.

Kakuzu: A $1 tin of the kind of soup that makes you ask "Um... are you sure that's a meal and not just, like, an ingredient?"