AKATSUKI RANKED: By Titty Preferences??

[tozette]

This ranking originally occurred because someone sent me a message on tumblr that read: "Stop being so damn insecure. Just because an anime woman has big boobs and is voluptuous doesn't mean you should criticize that woman to feed your pathetic jealous soul. There are woman in real life who have body types like that and if is disrespectful to mock them, especially in your blog. You should learn to respect women. Yes, guys like women like that. I bet the Akatsuki dudes would only be interested in a girl like that. Grow up and deal with it."

Accordingly: Akatsuki by titty preferences. (NB: This list necessarily assumes that the members of Akatsuki are interested in tits on some level.)

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Deidara: He thinks he likes big boobs because he's nineteen and it seems like the done thing. As he gets older he will realise he actually likes whichever boobs are attached to the most aggressive woman in the room. Deidara isn't attracted to boobs, he's attracted to breaking shit.

Kakuzu: Mostly doesn't think about boobs at all. He's a man made of cursed spaghetti and his interests and needs are way less physical and way more psychological. But when he was much, much, MUCH younger and more human, he liked the idea of a petite, reserved girl he could push around recreationally. So he's team small boobs, on a technicality.

Hidan: If you ask him, he will tell you that physical appearances are extremely secondary to the state of someone's soul — that is, whether they're in agony, and, if not, whether you think you can speedrun it. This is the most important thing to him, but I think he's lying a bit. A man with no aesthetic preferences would be wearing a shirt, Hidan. (He likes the dramatic jiggle jiggle of big boobs, and he likes the way the extra weight adds mass after he's sheared straight through someone's sternum. Mmm. Compelling.)

Obito: Incapable of engaging with non-Rin boobs even in the privacy of his own brain. He will get uncomfortable and then deflect with slapstick comedy if you try to get him to engage. Don't bother.

Itachi: Itty bitty titty appreciation committee. Big boobs are suspect. Are they meant to be a distraction? Are you hiding something? He's definitely used them as a distraction before...

Zetsu: Mammalian reproductive organs are not very compelling to him, but he regards Kaguya as more or less the perfect female form.

Orochimaru: He is very aware that big tits are great for filling out clothing (important), but inconvenient for sprinting without significant, well-engineered support (also important). Rarely considers tits outside of their utility on his next stolen body.

Sasori: He doesn't actually care about boob size, he's much more interested in body symmetry. But it's harder to find perfectly symmetrical breasts when they're larger in size. He can't have asymmetry in his vast puppet stable, so he ends up being a small boob appreciator most of the time. ( tumlblr user @mixelation suggested this one — I have heavily paraphrased their idea.)

Konan: She grew up in a very harsh environment, and despite needing to become hard and defensive to survive, she has embraced a femme aesthetic with paper flowers and dramatic eye makeup. She's into big boobs as part of an overall desire for the aesthetics of luxurious femininity. Sexy.

Pein: Very few boob preferences in the general sense, couldn't place him on a big titty to small titty appreciation scale. However, he is disproportionately attracted to nipple piercings.

Kisame: Owing to a long life of looking like a freak himself, he admires conventional beauties but he's also into girls who are a bit more robust so he doesn't feel like he's actively endangering them with one (1) hand. A guy who likes big boobs, but hasn't really overthought it. Thank god.