AKATSUKI RANKED: by who you'd want on your apocalypse team

[tozette]

Tobi: His skills would arguably be useful, but he's a sack of cats and he'd sacrifice the safety of himself, you and everyone else around him for 3 seconds of amusement and a hot chip, and then he'd dimensional shift out at the last second. I do not think he'd make a good apocalypse team buddy.

Zetsu: His ability to sink into and out of the scenery and watch what's going on would be extremely handy in any situation where it became hard to get vital news, but his motives for cooperation are weak at best. Zetsu might be a good apocalypse buddy... depending on what kind of apocalypse and what you need. Otherwise, he might just be a liability.

Kakuzu: Well, he's over 90 and probably knows how to do the laundry with boiling water and a stick, so he might be a useful repository of knowledge and low-tech hacks. He would also be really hard to damage, so if the apocalypse scenario is a violent one you can stand behind him in front of anything. However, his personality is a massive downside (how relatable), he resorts to violence against his own in-group very quickly, and when we think about the limited population that may now be available to him, it is worth noting that you would never want to be the only person around when one of Kakuzu's hearts wears out.

Hidan: In very short term/immediate apocalypse scenarios, Hidan could be really useful because he's crazy and immortal but he also relies on food (according to the word of god info that he would starve, eventually, dismembered in his pit), and dislikes being uncomfortable, so he would be motivated to seek out places of shelter and resources. There's still a risk that he'll change his mind two hours in and kill you, too—but this might be less of a risk than the apocalypse scenario in which you find yourself already. In the long term, though, Hidan would become difficult to manage. Strictly a temporary apocalypse buddy, for a short term survival scenario only.

Itachi: This one is tricky because I would have said Itachi was an ideal apocalypse team buddy due to his penchant for batshit plans that somehow go how he planned them and his ability to genjutsu people into doing what he wants, combined with his relatively steadier temperament than many of these alternatives. But Itachi 100% would join your apocalypse team with unstated ulterior motives that he believes are more important than anyone's survival, and he'd also be infuriatingly impossible to sway because he's smart enough to justify whatever he wants to himself and he'll argue circles around you regardless of whether or not he makes sense. So I think if you can be sure that the apocalypse scenario is long term, and you're sure Sasuke is also with you or already dead, you might benefit from Itachi on your team. Otherwise, maintain distance.

Deidara: He has the ability to fly, and attack targets from a really long distance away, and I think in a short term and immediate apocalypse scenario, Deidara could be really helpful. In the longer term, though, his personality would get in his way—he isn't built for a life of patrolling camp perimeters or counting food stores or meticulous process. He'd feel trapped, and then isolated by the pragmatism of everyone trying to stay alive and eventually he'd blow everything up and leave in an impassioned temper. However, being able to scramble aboard a giant clay bird and get out of any given situation, as well as the ability to do massive damage from such a distance, is such a tremendous advantage that I think it would depend on the kind of apocalypse scenario and you might want him on your team.

Pein/Nagato: Many hands. Many, many hands. And most of them are already dead and don't need safety, feeding or shelter, either, and they don't disappear when damaged like shadow clones. Somehow he also knows everything that goes on when it's raining. Could be useful? He's not very mentally stable, but I really think you should consider Pein for any long term apocalypse team for the free labour alone.

Kisame: He's aggressive, but he can keep a lid on it as long as nobody shatters any self delusions for him. Kisame has a poor track record for making decisions under stress. There's no evidence of his particular apocalypse skills, but Kisame would be at least as useful as Hidan in a short term scenario, and significantly more useful in a long term one. Importantly, he can summon vast quantities of water, which may then potentially be filtered and boiled for general use. Depending on your scenario, this could be very useful. He gets on with nearly everyone, and the people with whom he does not must nevertheless acknowledge that he's huge. On the balance of your actual options here, Kisame is probably a good choice for most apocalypse teams.

Sasori: His temper is bad, but he has shown the ability to get on with people at least. I think you'll need Sasori for any longer-term apocalypse scenario—he can make an entire human body into a mechanical one that runs on chakra, so when the fridge stops working two days into a long hot summer while you're scavenging the post apocalyptic wastelands for rats to eat or whatever, Sasori is the guy you want, for practical reasons. He's not the guy you want for company, but then who here is? ...Sorry.

Konan: She doesn't have particular apocalypse skills, to be sure, but she has two hands and something most of the others on this list lack, which is a steady temper. I don't think we see Konan really get violently angry in canon, although we do see her grieve. That's why she's the strongest candidate—she's temperamentally aligned with the requirements of any apocalypse scenario, and doesn't immediately resort to murder when stressed. I think Konan would be a valuable addition to any apocalypse team simply because she doesn't bring all the downsides of the whack-jobs on this list. And, she also has an apparently endless supply of paper for taking notes on the unfolding apocalypse. How nice!