AKATSUKI RANKED: by cooking skills :)

[tozette]

Surprisingly, Hidan is a way, way better cook than Kakuzu, but neither one of them gives a single solitary shit about food hygiene. That's pretty bad. Hidan is personally mutating a new strain of salmonella in his own blood stream as we speak and it is resistant to not just antibiotics but also to, like, bleach.

Kakuzu's favourite food is "shit that's free," so he can cook but he's not good at it, he doesn't like it, and he's so old fashioned that his idea of spiced food means adding garlic.

Pein's body is dead and it is best that Nagato does not try to add comestibles. This was learnt the hard way.

I love the fanon that Itachi cannot cook for shit. It is cute when highly competent murderers lack basic life skills, in its way. I also like the fanon that he likes sweets. Please, give this boy some candy. Extremely cute, I am adopting the concept into all my fics.

(I think Sakura should be a bad cook too. Just saying. Kakashi is the best cook on their team, followed, bizarrely, by Sasuke.)

Zetsu doesn't need to eat cooked food but he does like to put the big fleshy leaves of pak choi on the grill and watch them shrivel and spit. Hours of entertainment before he consumes his real food, which is raw people.

Konan has a full complement of normal adult skills. She could even call up the energy company and set up a payment plan in a sudden moment of financial uncertainty, if she needed to. She can definitely cook and she will absolutely not cook for you or anyone else.

Kisame's food comes out over-salted a lot, but then, his body is well equipped to rid itself of the excess. Food he cooks is fast, and often bold and bright: chilli, acid, sweet fruit, savoury meat. He likes to stare at an unnerved team mate across a camp fire as the juices spill from between his sharp teeth and drip off his chin. Don't let him get started on the shark womb murder thing. He just likes to watch people get nervous.

Deidara thinks he likes hot chilli more than he does. This is the kind of man who uses two ghost chillies when he probably wants one habanero. He is so smart and he literally never learns. It's infuriating.

Sasori doesn't cook so much as concoct, but when he's not hosing industrial lube in his mouth sometimes he likes to funnel poison in there instead. It usually tastes good—the poisons are often sweet. It's the antidotes that taste universally horrible.