AKATSUKI RANKED: by whether they'd have sex with their clones

[tozette]

11. Tobi: Obito is a prude and you can't convince me otherwise. He views clone-fucking as crazy kinky shit only gotten up to in the annals of Icha Icha fanfic, not something real people do. Nevertheless he has 100% made a clone to hug him in the quiet privacy of his ongoing nervous breakdown, so take that where you like.

10. Deidara: This is weird and gross and his face is completely changing colours!!! (Deidara is... young.) You can't just ask him weird questions like that! (Never mind that Deidara makes clones just to blow them up. If you taught him the shadow clone technique he'd use it just to remember the "experience". He has no leg to stand on, but these are very different abuses of clone techniques, to him.)

9. Sasori: No, because all the interest he ever feels is intellectual now. He finds Deidara's disgust performative and foolish, though.

8. Pein: Always has clones, but Nagato is maybe too depressed and/or sick for sex? The constant availability of clones would seem to put him high on this list, but actually he kind of feels guilty and resentful and angry about that kind of physical indulgence and is actively hostile towards things that cause him pleasure. Please get some therapy, Nagato.

7. Hidan: Highly orthodox within his own perception of what's normal and moral, to be honest. Clone sex is weird and hasn't really occurred to him to try, but if you ask about it he'll contemplate the strange perversions of other people. If Hidan wants sex, he wants it with another person. People's consciousness of physical experiences is important to him, and also he likes being their focus. Like... pay attention to him!

6. Kisame: Has heard of this and isn't throwing a tantrum about it like some of these others, but also he hasn't tried it himself. It seems like a lot of effort for the payout.

5. Itachi: Itachi's too sick and tired to think about sex a lot without, like, significant input from someone else. His intense physical desires are probably more along the lines of that feeling when you finally lie down after an interminably long day and your whole body seems to decompress. If you asked him about it, he'd probably completely ignore you—a shun, like you aren't even there. But really, if he thinks about it internally, at least if someone is using their clones for sex they're not inflicting themselves on the populace. (His mind drifts to Jiraiya. Hmm. Yes.)

4. Zetsu: Has no kind of procreative instinct. Still tried it. Experience middling. Not sure why people like any of it, really?

3. (Honorary) Orochimaru: ...Orochimaru is the only person with whom Orochimaru has ever had sex for the pleasure of it. Every other sexual encounter, ever, has been largely about the other person. He likes to control other people by provoking them into some kind of response. People are very cute when they're screaming and crying, and there's more than one way to skin a cat.

2. Kakuzu: He is over ninety and made of a bubbling mass of tentacles. You can be pretty sure if it's physically possible, he's tried it. Next!

1. Konan: The only other person she would potentially, possibly have considered allowing to touch her is now the lifeless puppet of her friend. The ardour has... cooled, there. She has needs though, and clone techniques are nowhere near as chakra or control-intensive as her overpowered paper jutsu. Her clones are safe, clean and pleasant smelling, which is more than can be said about anyone else. Thursday nights are self care nights and it's more than your life is worth to interrupt her.