AKATSUKI RANKED: by roommate-ability

[tozette]

10. As just "that weird guy you know," Zetsu is... well, he's here! But as a room-mate, Zetsu has limited understanding of your social expectations, no money, and the ability—and willingness—to stare at you from within the walls. He's not very predictable, and he can be by turns violent and friendly. Living with Zetsu is the fast track to developing a mental disorder.

9. Deidara is actually pretty cool to hang out with, but he's a small-doses guy, even for the most avid extrovert. He can only go so long before he is compelled to commit a war crime, you see. It's important to his artistic vision. A shared housing situation is, and I must stress this in the strongest possible terms, no place for war crimes. A walking red flag. Literally just go sleep in the park, you'll be safer.

8. Hidan disdains currency—including what you're owed, of course—and makes deeply unhygienic messes that probably used to be people. He wanders off mid-conversation to go do a murder. He tries to explain god to you at every possible opportunity, and if you act at all dismissive it will be tantamount to taking your life into your hands. But perhaps the worst thing about Hidan is that, if you stick it out long enough, he actually begins to make sense.

7. It is tiring to live with Tobi. And by "with" I mean "next to", because this certainly is not a cooperative arrangement. He is exhausting and he makes it extremely obvious that this is on purpose. You will know within a week whether or not you can tolerate him, but it's unlikely.

6. Kakuzu is this high on this list because he is extraordinarily dangerous to people around him, being an ambulatory repository of rage and prone to violent outbursts. However, he's also this high on this list because he's pretty clear about his expectations. Living with Kakuzu is high stakes, deeply stressful, extremely dangerous and also perfectly predictable. Also if you're late paying anything at all he absolutely will kill and replace you.

5. Itachi doesn't think he's better than you as a matter of performance. He's not doing it to annoy you. He simply knows, like he knows the heat of the sun or the next beat of his own heart, that he's better than you are. He's probably right. It's not your fault. It's not even his fault. But it underpins your every interaction, and does make him absolutely fucking intolerable. Also, he sets the fire alarm off when he makes toast and he straight-up can't see dirt. He won't kill you though. Not even by accident. (But... you wanna hope he does not get attached.)

4. Nagato is very, very sick and also very, very dangerous. It's hard to tell if he needs help, and if you offer he might genuinely just maim you. Oh, he can bring you back? From the dead? Is that supposed to be reassuring? Because it's not. But if you go ahead and ignore him—all of him, and all of his dead bodies with all their their hair dyed identically to Yahiko's, of course, which is, just, super normal—he's generally so preoccupied with his own problems that he won't bother you too much. It's deeply unsettling to have to live with the corpses though.

3. Konan is an extremely quiet room-mate but it is almost impossible to avoid the palpable sense that she is judging you and finding you wanting. You will never know what invisible standard you're failing to meet. She isn't obstructive. But you're going to need a thicker skin. She does just have an endless supply of paper mulch though, so if you like gardening you could stand to benefit, I suppose. (It's "organic" but it's sure not cruelty free.)

2. Kisame is pretty easy going, as room-mates go, and he is certainly high on this list! The man's old enough that he knows how to take care of himself. He has a routine. He's not high strung, he's not particularly prone to sudden violent escalation. He'll talk to you. He's not the best housekeeper, but he's not the worst and he mostly cleans up his own messes. He's not likely to become close with anyone—he's kind of damaged—but he has the twin rare traits of an overall friendly disposition and an even temper. You might have to brush up on your knowledge of shark reproductive facts.

1. If you live with Sasori, it is frankly hard to tell. He doesn't eat. He doesn't bathe. He doesn't sleep. He makes nearly no noise. He has his own business, which he conducts without reference to you or anyone even connected to you, and he's organised enough that his rent goes in on time. The smell of cadaver preservatives is a little hard to adapt to, but mostly it's like living alone in a house with a weird room you just don't go into. Also, if you're cute he may murder you and turn you into a forever-cute puppet friend, which can only be viewed as a bonus.